In a perfect life...things wouldn’t be any different.

College

2010-03-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

It's very strange....I feel like I've been waiting for this day for so long and now that it's here, it feels too soon. My emotions are mixed with joy and bittersweet happiness. I don't know if I ever really knew what "bittersweet" actually felt like until now. My daughter is going to college! I felt it some when my son left for Hawaii last year, but he was a man and this is my little baby daughter. Of course, she's almost 18, but I still see her as my little baby. In fact, she is my little baby! But she has been accepted into the college of her choice and she done so much to deserve it and in about six months, I will need to drop her off and somehow drive away. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I have six months to try and prepare the best way I can. If not, I'll need to fake it somehow because as much as I joke about it...I can't move into her dorm room with her. Can I?

Surrendering

2009-05-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

I've been a parent pretty much my whole life. Ok, maybe more like half my life. Actually, more than half my life. Anyway, it's been a really long time and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Ok, maybe not EVERY minute of it. Being a mom to my son and daughter is all I've ever known. Waking up each day to care, support, worry and love them and then going to sleep focusing my love and energy towards them. I've been doing this for long it's all I know and it's all I've wanted, so now is really the hard part for me. My son is grown and gone for the summer. My daughter is becoming a self-sufficent young woman and I am left wondering what to do. It's a strange, new experience for me this so called "freedom", where not every minute of my life is taken up by caring for children. You might think I'm nuts for missing the madness, but I do, so I find myself in a constant struggle to let it go. The urge to "smother"....that's my term for being an overzealous mother ;-).

Hawaiian Presidency

2009-05-04T10:41:00.001-07:00

Big news this weekend! Simon got accepted into a work exchange program in Maui and is leaving for Hawaii on the 13th for three months! He'll be learning all about organic farming and he's totally excited to work on the farm and begin the adventure. And Cheyenne was just voted student body president of her high school for her senior year! She's been the VP of her class the last three years and it was just a matter of time until she took the big title. She's such a go-getter! Needless to say, I am so proud of each of them. They are growing and learning and most of all achieving their goals. Now I just need to work on my own.

Pablo

2009-04-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

There is a little boy named Pablo and he has cancer. He was the topic of my very first blog. We met him and his family during the summer of 2006. The family has a blog (http://getwellpablo.blogspot.com/) that details their journey with childhood cancer over this past year. I follow their blog pretty regularly and have been happy and saddened by their ups and downs, but I always thought everything would work out for the best. This morning his dad (Jeff) posted the most heart wrenching blog entry to date. Pablo just completed chemo about a week ago and the cancer is already present again... and this time in his lungs. The kid is frickin’ five! How could this be? Why him? Why any of us? I am deeply humbled and reminded how blessed my life has been. I can’t even imagine how you come to grips with losing a child. I am hoping for a miracle. They still exist, don’t they?

Helicopter parenting

2009-04-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am "helicopter parenting" my grown ass son. For those you know you don't know the term, it refers to the type of parent that attempts to control and be present in every aspect of their kids life, but not in a good way...more like, hyper-involved to point where the kid can't mess up or learn things on their own because the parent is always hovering...hence the term. Today's society is full of "helicopter parents" and I am guilty of it too. I can't help myself at times. I just want to help to the point of helping too much. Setting alarms, making sure they get up, calling to find out if they will be home on time since they need to wake up early for work the next day or trying to give advice whether it's been asked for or not. The list goes on and on. I think I'm being helpful, but it drives them crazy at times and for good reason. They both have been very patient with me and realize it comes from a good place, but they have each asked that I take a down a notch. With my son, it's a little less cute and endearing and according to what he said this morning, slightly insulting. He said he feels like I don't think he's capable of doing things on his own...but I feel like if I don't follow up that one time....then, that will be the day it would have been helpful....I know, I know, I have a problem. BTW, my arms are tired of hovering and I have only myself to blame.

Last night marked my one year anniversary at Recreate Fitness

2009-03-06T10:13:00.001-08:00

So, exactly one year ago I went to my first class at Recreate Fitness. All I can say is what a difference a year makes! I walked in not knowing what to expect from them (or me). However, I did survive my first work-out and the soreness that followed. But I keep going back because I really enjoyed the work-outs, the change I was seeing/and feeling, but most of all the people. Nathan and Tina are amazing. My fellow gym members are amazing.

Last night, we did the "Helen" work-out. It's a benchmark work-out and I had never done it "prescribed". It was fitting for the night. It became apparent when I completed my last pull-up (36 in total), that my year had paid off. I am more fit and strong than I have ever been in my entire life and it feels good....except my arms feel like they want to fall off right about now.

If you were born after today’s date in 1988, we will not sell alcohol to you.

2009-02-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

We are all familiar with those signs in and around stores, restaurants, bars, etc., but never before have I felt so shocked by one of them.

See, my son turns 21 this year and so when I saw the first sign with HIS birthday year, I almost shrieked NOOOO! out loud in the store.

This is the year! This is the year my little, baby boy officially crosses the finish line into pure adulthood. How could this be? I'm not scared for him because I think he is a very responsible, young man and will treat this new phase with grace....or at least I hope he does...anyway, I'm scared for me. If he is officially old enough to buy alcohol, then I'm just plain OLD! What's next? As you might have guessed, I'm having a tough time growing old gracefully this week. Maybe I'll work it on next month. In the meantime, I will continue to slather on my moisturizer EXTRA thick each day.

It's the end of another year...

2008-12-29T14:12:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does everyone else feel like we've been through a lot this year? I remember last year, Nick would say, "2008 it's gonna be great"....Well, sure things were great, but things have been really difficult too. The housing market collapsed. We're getting a new president, but was not easy getting there. Our economy took a nose dive, gas prices went UP and gas prices went down. Banks got bailed out, but car companies are having to work for it. All the while, we sit and watch and hold our breath. Portland saw record snow fall and we were "trapped for days". Arctic Storm 2008! We'd watch the news and they would say we aren't spending money. Stores may go out of business, but who has extra money to throw around these days? Our 401k's are more like 201k's (as Nick likes to say). Loved ones have been laid off and others are going to be losing their jobs. We said goodbye to close friends, but made some new ones. It's been a rough year, but there has been some good. We moved into a wonderful home, Nick completed work on a feature film, we all have our health and most importantly each other. I'm looking forward to 2009. I hope it brings joy and good news to all.

Election 08

2008-11-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

Don't know about anyone else, but I'm on pins and needles about tonight's results. Holding my breath......

Moving madness

2008-10-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Moving sucks. Now I remember why I haven't moved in twelve years! Your life literally becomes one, big, messy mission, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end. I'm sure it will, but it's not fun right now.

Lipstick and pigs

2008-09-26T15:17:00.001-07:00

I LOVE, love lipstick. I always have...it's sort of my thing and you'll rarely catch me without something on lips. I'm really into Clinque, Lancome and M.A.C. colors. And if it looks like I'm not wearing a color, rest assured I'm either wearing Burt's Bee or my Kool-Aid flavored Lip Smacker!

And pigs are alright. I like bacon and pork chops. I used to really like ham, but not so much anymore.

I'm pretty stressed out. I just really hope things work out with our country. Bail-out/no bail-out? Are we headed for another Great Depression? Will I have any money left in my 401k to retire? What is with the new dollar coins? Are they really that big of a deal? Can we please elect our next president now? I'm done with our current one. I've been done for like eight years.

Apple Brandy. That's the color I'm wearing right now. I bought it when things weren't so dire...before we had a 700 billion debt to repay.

Got God?

2008-09-10T16:59:00.001-07:00

My daughter said she wants to believe in God. This new found interest sort of came out of left field (or so I thought). She "knows" about God and religion. I've shared with her stories of my Catholic upbringing and my stance on religion and why I chose not to baptize her or her brother. She's been aware and sensitive to her best friend's belief in God, but she's never expressed a personal interest until now. She said wants to believe in God now, so she can pray for her uncle who is very sick. She said her best friend told her if she didn't believe in God, then her thoughts and prayers would not be answered. We talked a lot about the power of prayer and I told her she didn't need to direct it to one person (or God from this matter). I also had to remind her that even if she was already religious and if God was listening everyday to her, the bottom line is he is going to die. That is the terrible and tragic fact. But my super left-brained daughter wasn't having any of it. So, I asked her if she wanted me to take her to church. She said no. I asked her she wanted to speak with a priest. She said no. I asked her if she wanted me to teach her the in's and out's of what I was taught. She said no, she'd like to be Christian, not Catholic! Then I realized I was dealing with something larger. She needs something to cling to during this trying time. Something more than facts, friends or even I can offer. Religion offers "answers" and comfort when life really throws a curve ball. The unknown is just so deep and dark. Maybe she'll go to church one day. Maybe she won't. I told her when she was ready to talk about it again, I was ready to listen. Then her friend came over and they went to a football game.

Pull-ups! Finally!

2008-09-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I think it's official since Recreate Fitness posted a pic of me on their blog site....I finally got my first pull-up at the gym on Saturday morning! I actually did three, but I don't want to brag. This is a big deal for me. Fitness has been a strange thing with me. When I was younger I was extremely active and played sports, but when I was out of high school I sort of just stopped. And since I was "naturally" thin, I didn't really worry too much about my weight or appearance. That is until I hit 3-0. Wow, things really do catch up with you! So, I started doing yoga on a regular basis and felt great and started becoming strong and tone again. But then our yoga studio was bought and went way too corporate and I just didn't have the heart to continue. When I found myself inside a gym again, it had been two and half years since I had done any sort of fitness routine. I was a bit mushy and in my opinion about ten pounds overweight. In March of this year, I started my weekly work-outs at Recreate. I have really enjoyed the people, vibe and the work-outs are crazy. Basically, I've been sore for about six months, but on Saturday it all came together. The extra ten pounds are hanging on for dear life, but my clothes fit better, I feel better and I'm not really mushy anymore. I think I deserve a cookie or something!

Ugh

2008-09-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today I want to be on a tropical island surrounded by coconut trees, sipping on a fruity (strong) drink, lounging with Nick and being showered with warmth and sunshine....and for my kids to be on a completely separate island.

Words of wisdom....teeth?

2008-08-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

Even if I tell you, I don't know if you'll believe me. But crazy as it might sound, both my kids have had their wisdom teeth removed (a year and half a part) and right after their surgery (like the same or next day) their long-term love relationships came crashing down all around them. How can this happen? My simple theory, my kids are exceptional people. They value loyalty and love above all. I suppose it's fair to say that they haven't really had anything truly frightening happen in their life....that is until they had surgery to remove all their wisdom teeth. So for the first time, they were in physical need. Vulnerable and scared and they needed their loved ones the most, but they were both M.I.A (for different reasons, but none worth noting). So each with their hearts broken and a mouth full of gauze called an end to their relationships.

It's hot!

2008-08-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, 104 degrees feels really hot. This weekend was so hot, but strangely welcomed (at least by me) when you know what the coming months have in store for you...cold, gray and rainy. But 104 degrees also brings about issues....like killing my fridge. Apparently, it was on it's last leg and then just gave out yesterday. And to top off the hot weekend, my credit card was compromised. However, there was good too. Cheyenne came home and I bought the most delicious fruit from the Farmer's Market and hung out with good friends. Today's weather is strange. Very tropical. Is this global warming?

Yosemite

2008-08-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I made my return after 14 years and it was really nice. The drive down was eventful thanks to a deer sprinting across the 1-5 right in front us and let's not forget about the family of possums who also needed to cross the highway too. Anyway, once I survived the drive up the mountain (I REALLY dislike heights, so the drive up the side of mountain gets to me every time) we arrived in Wawona! C-loop 63 here we come. It was a relaxing time of floating in the Merced River with a beer in hand and small talk with the family, and nights sitting around the campfire laughing at each other (it's the way my family bonds). Then Simon decided to do his hike up to upper falls on Wednesday. The day went by soooooo slow and it was so hard not to worry about him every second. But he finally made it back to the campsite safe and sound (and of course thirsty and tired too) and it was such a huge relief. It's been a struggle for me to "let" him grow up and become his own person. These days have been extra difficult and I don't know an easier way to do it. So, I drive him crazy and he lets me to a point. One day there will be a time when we don't talk everyday and I won't know where he is or what he is doing for stretches of time...I don't know how that day feels yet.

Family

2008-07-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows family means everything to me. I feel like my family is unique and insane, but who doesn't when it comes to their family? But sometimes my family really pushes the limits. However, we always stand by each other....through thick and thin, the good times and the bad times. And in this case, the worst of times. My brother-in-law is sick. He has a disease that has no cure and it will eventually take his life. I am so deeply saddened by the raw, hard facts. He is a great father to my five nieces and nephews and a good friend to my sister. They have a unique relationship since they haven't been "married" for several years, but they moved back in with each other after the loss of his mother last year to help support each other and raise their kids together . My sister and nieces and nephews are so strong. It's their battle as much as it's his. Actually, it's our battle. Here's to staying strong for each other's sake.

My baby is driving!

2008-06-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

Words can't describe how I felt yesterday as my youngest (who is sixteen) passed the DMV written test and got her driving permit. I think the words, oh shit, came to mind several times. This meant I had to let her drive MY car, with ME in it and not lose my mind. Basically, I was a bundle of nerves and emotions...I can only imagine what she was feeling. But she did good. We drove around a parking lot several times to just get a handle of the car. Then we drove around another parking lot to get more of a handle of the car. Then we drove on the street with other cars! Although, she did great, I don't want to do it again for another three years...which means I'll be sitting in passenger seat, trying to pretend that I don't want to scream and jump out later today.

So, here it is.

2008-06-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

I have no idea where to start. The beginning seems too long ago. Right now seems so immediate. Maybe somewhere in between?

Like the other day when I was driving my daughter home and she was upset about something. Then all of a sudden in the midst of her feeling sad about her situation she broke down in tears about a little boy named Pablo. We met Pablo two years ago when he was three years old (and she was fourteen). We shared a house with his family for a week while a attending a wedding. Pablo has been recently diagnosed with Wils cancer and is undergoing chemo for several months. She said how could she be so upset about her life when this little boy is fighting for his. I was speechless. What sixteen year old isn’t self absorbed, right? Not her...at least not right at this moment. I felt her pain and her dilemma. It was a life lesson that I learned ago. Life is random and tragically unfair at times. We have only one shot to be here, so don’t sweat the small stuff or allow them to own you. And so here at age sixteen, driving down the 224 on a Friday night, she was learning it too. And I thought she will never be the same and that is a beautiful thing.